Posts

Posted on

Plans are made to change…

I thought it was ‘rules are made to be broken, but plans always work out’?

I’ve always been a planner. And when I make a plan, 99% of the time I follow through with the plan. Yes, there are those few occasions when things don’t go my way or according to my plan. And yes, I am working on not turning into a giant baby when that happens. This has been a perfect example. If someone is trying to teach me a lesson…I GET IT, THANKS!

When the doctor called and said we needed to abort this IVF cycle after only 5 days of stimulation meds I really had to work on not turning into a giant baby. My ovaries stimulated way too quickly with too few follicles to move forward. The doctor described it as “not our best case scenario” and when thousands of dollars are on the line you definitely want your best case scenario.

After this news we tried to salvage the cycle and meds we had already used by doing an IUI. This was however, unsuccessful as well. Needless to say, we are now formulating a new plan…

Posted on

Day 1…✔️

“The first day to start shots and we have to head out of town. How stupid that we planned a trip at such a chaotic time?! I was very careful in packing my meds, Gonal F and Menopur. After we arrived at our destination I pulled out everything I needed, but all I could find was Gonal A, Gonal B, Gonal C, and Gonal D. I know I packed Gonal F so I checked again and again, but it was not there. I panicked. Should I use the Gonal D because its closest to Gonal F or should I use Gonal A because it sounds like it should be first? What to do? What to do?”

Then I woke up.

I told you I was going crazy!

I had pretty well stressed myself out over these shots and for no real reason at all, the buildup was worse than the actual shots themselves. One was a piece of cake and one felt just as it was described, a bee sting…maybe with a little more burn. Either way I survived day 1 and lived to tell about it…crazy or not!

Posted on

The time has come…

It feels surreal. I’ve been anticipating this day for what feels like forever. We have finally arrived at the start of our IVF cycle. And now I’m nervous. And scared. And anxious. And stressed. But excited. And hopeful.

Tomorrow I start my stimulation medications which mean “shots, shots, shots…” I can’t help but sing the LMFAO Lil Jon song when I say this.

In all seriousness, I should be prepared; I’ve read all the material, watched all the videos, and even received a tutorial from the nurse today, but I can’t help feeling like I have a very important exam tomorrow and I can’t cram enough. What if I mix the medication wrong? What if I give the shots in the wrong location? What if I give myself too much or too little medication? What if I drop a vial and it shatters on the ground? What if I make myself crazy thinking about all the things that can go wrong?!

***Note…I’ve taken a minute to calm myself. I will skip the conversation that went through my head and just give you the conclusion, I’ve pulled myself together and realized I can do this. Many women before me have survived and so will I. I’m pretty persuasive when I talk to myself!

Now that you think I’m already crazy, the meds can’t possibly make it any worse, right?! With that being said I will post an update tomorrow…

Posted on

The waiting game

Those of you who have or are trying to get pregnant know, it’s a waiting game. Waiting for “the window” to hit, then the dreaded 2 week wait, then waiting to try it all over again. Months and months of waiting. And all the while the world is passing you by. The child you have just continues to get older, birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays pass, friends and family members get pregnant and have babies, and you are still waiting…

My husband and I have been struggling with secondary infertility. This simply means that we cannot get pregnant naturally after having a successful first pregnancy. I am a planner, control freak, and I’ve been told I’m slightly impatient, so waiting is not something I’m very good at. I think I’ve been able to hold it together fairly well over the last 2 years; I typically have a good cry in the shower once a month, but then force myself to suck it up.

The show must go on, right? It is what it is, right? Enjoy the one child you have, right? God has a plan, right?

Sometimes that is easier said than done, especially this month…

I called to check in with our IVF coordinator at the start of my cycle, which I have been doing for the last several months. She typically advises me to do nothing more than call her the following month with the start of my next cycle. We are planning IVF for July and I know many steps have to be followed for the procedure to take place. One of those steps is being placed on birth control. I know that…but something about those words coming out of her mouth caught me off guard.

In my head, we had one more month of trying. I’m sure that one month wouldn’t really matter anyway, but being the planner I am, this news was incredibly difficult for me to swallow.

We were done.

This wasn’t going to happen for us naturally.

We really are doing IVF.

I’ve known that, but apparently not really known that!

Being placed on birth control for someone who is trying to get pregnant felt like the ultimate punishment. I couldn’t contain my sadness. I cried. And not just in the shower this time. Like, really cried. I tried to busy myself and occupy my mind with duties of the day which is my typical coping mechanism, but it didn’t work this time. I cried again. On and off all day, I cried.

After taking the day to process the news, the planner in me, and my husband, and a few margaritas helped me realize that this is the next step in the waiting game. And good things come to those who wait, right?

Posted on

“Dear God, please help…”

Wow, it’s been a while! I’ve been busy or preoccupied or self involved or unmotivated…not really sure what I’ve been, but just not wanting to write comes to mind. However, lately my son has been very challenging and writing about it always puts things in perspective and usually gives me a good laugh. I’m not sure what in his little body clicked when May 8th rolled around, but 4 has been rough thus far. It’s funny, you would think at some point you would figure out what works with your child when it comes to discipline. I have not. His stubbornness has been expressed in many stories before, so that hasn’t changed. He is still very sweet, curious, active, determined, easy-going, wild, and playful. Sometimes the playfulness just might be a little too much…

He has always had a great love for our pup. And she has always tolerated him. He wants her to be more playful than her energy level and age will allow. Lately he has just been rough with her and it makes me furious. My husband and I have tried timeouts, loss of toys and privileges, and even spankings but nothing seems to stop this behavior.

Last night I promised my son water balloons after we took our pup for a walk. After I filled the balloons we decided we would put them on the trampoline and jump around with them. It’s the only way I’ve found to stretch $10 worth of water balloons out for more than 3 minutes. I ran inside to take my shoes off and from the window watched my son ram into our pup. My blood began to boil. I flew out the door, in one swift jump was on the trampoline (something I didn’t know I could do so quickly and gracefully) and began hurling the water balloons to the ground. My son watched in horror and then began screaming. I, as calmly as I could, removed myself from the trampoline walked over to him and said, “You have to be nice to her. Pick up the balloons and come in for a bath.” As I marched myself back into the house a series of emotions ran through my mind…What have I done? Does he even know why I did that? Was that too harsh? Did I really just waste $10 worth of water balloons is 30 seconds?

I began folding laundry and he cried. I did some dishes and he cried. He stopped long enough to walk over and pick up a sock to wipe his snot on and then went back to crying. I picked up the living room and he cried. Finally he stopped crying and picked up the balloons and came inside. “I’m done picking up the balloons now, let’s go take a bath.”

While he was bathing I sat there silent, finally I asked, “Do you have anything to say?” And his response angered me once again, “No. I didn’t see myself kick her.” I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. He asked, “What are you doing, talking to God?” I opened my eyes, looked at him and lied, “Yes.” 

I’m a horrible person, I know. 

I began praying out loud, “God, please help my son to be a good person, to be kind and honest. To be nice to everyone, including the dog…” He interrupted, closed his eyes and said, “God, please help my mom to be nice and not yell at me and not put me in time out…”

Posted on

Backseat Navigator

The other day my 3 year old son darted downstairs after his extremely short nap with a huge grin on his face and proceeded to tell me that he had a prize and we needed to go now.

My son: We need to get in the car.

Me: Why? Where do we need to go?

My son: We need to head south, then jump on Kellogg.

Me: Where are we going?

My son: To a store.

Me: What’s the store called?

My son: It’s a prize.

As I sat in my chair, wondering how in the world my son came up with this idea, he was already out the door, opening the garage door, and getting into the car. I decided what the heck; let’s see where he’s wanting to go. I did have a return that just happened to be “south” of our house anyway.

Me: Where am I headed?

My son took us out of our neighborhood and pointed south. I was a little surprised, but went with it anyway. We made our first stop so I could return an item I had previously purchased. As we walked out the store I asked my son once again the name of the store he wanted to go to.

My son: I think it’s Best Buy. It has lots of things for me.

Me: That blue and yellow store right there is Best Buy. Is that where you want to go?

My son: No. That is not the store. I think we need to head south.

I continued to head south and question him further about where we were going. I was starting to get a little annoyed. Why am I following my 3 year old son’s driving directions? How long am I going to let this go on?

Me: Have we been to this store before?

My son: Yes, when I was a baby. I played with dinosaurs. It’s by the two lights.

It hit me. The two lights were on either side of Kellogg. Maybe he really knows where he wants to go. He has played with dinosaurs numerous times at TJ Maxx. And TJ Maxx is right past the two lights.

Me: Are we going to TJ Maxx?

My son: Right by TJ Maxx.

We came to the two lights and I made the turn to jump onto Kellogg and then turn into the parking lot by TJ Maxx. Without missing a beat, my son cheered.

My son: Right there. That’s my prize!

My son had directed me to Toys’R’Us. He either really knew where he wanted to go or he got really lucky.

 

 

 

Posted on

Climate confusion

I thought at 3 years old my son knew the difference between being hot and cold, but I was beginning to question that the other night.

He kept kicking his covers off saying he was cold. I kept correcting him and covering him back up. I would explain to him if you are cold, you get under the covers to warm up and if you are hot, you kick the covers off and let the fan cool you down.

I could see he was getting frustrated with me and he finally stopped me and said, “No, mom. It’s hot under here,” pointing underneath the covers. “So you come out here to get cold,” he said flopping his legs on top of the covers.

Well, he definitely had a point. I guess its all how you look at it.

Posted on

Sad and unfair facts about parenting

Bedtime is always a trying time of day. It’s the time when my son is tired yet bouncing off the walls and when I’m left with zero patience yet full of excitement about climbing into my own comfy, cozy, cocoon of a bed. We are approaching the one year anniversary of my 3 year old son not being able to sleep through the night. Seriously, I may be able to count on one hand the full nights of sleep we have gotten in this household over the last year.

In my younger life, I may have envied people who had cuter clothes, straighter hair, or a more outgoing personality. Now all I envy are people who get to sleep all night. Like get in bed, sleep sound, and not wake up until its morning…and when I say morning I mean like time to get out of bed, morning. I have just come to terms with the fact that full nights of sleep are for the young who take it for granted.

Sad and unfair.

Anyway, that is old news. My husband and I have just grown accustom to our little midnight visitor. Sometimes I don’t even wake up as he crawls over me to be in the middle of the bed. I do always wake up to him wanting to cuddle, wanting to be under my arm or wanting me to be under his little teeny, tiny arm (which is very cute yet very uncomfortable), wanting to hold hands, wanting to give me a kiss, or just wanting to say, “I love you, mommy.”

Then I realize how sad and unfair it is that not everyone gets to experience these moments.

Posted on

Clorox is my bff

“It sounds like rain.”

This is what my 3 year old son said as he stood in front of the toilet with his big boy undies on and wet on the bathroom floor. 

Yes. Yes, it does I thought. 

Potty training my son has reminded me how much I love Clorox…wipes, bleach, cleaner…you catch my drift. My bathroom has never been cleaner.  

Just when he figured out how to make it to the toilet in time, I discovered that even though little boys may sit on the potty, it doesn’t mean that their potty will land in the toilet. 

At least now he has started to help clean up his messes. In fact, just today I saw him take the hand towel off the counter and wipe up his “spillage” on the floor. I stopped him just as he was about to put the towel back on the counter for the rest of the household to use. 

Once again I would like to thank Clorox for allowing me not to be disgusted in my own house. 

Posted on

“Five”

My husband and I share a love for food. I’m not really sure when it happened but over the years we have become very critical of food and really enjoy good food. I have been known to let a bad meal out ruin the rest of my evening…but I’m working on that. We like to experiment with recipes and try new things. I made a new dish the other night that my husband and I both really enjoyed. My son, however, refused to eat it. He is typically a really good eater and will eat about anything. We left it on the table for him and an hour or so later he was hungry. I told him to get back up to the table and eat his dinner. My husband and I sat in the living room and ignored him while he whined for some time. Later he ran into the living room, put his hand in the air by me and said, “Five!” I was a little confused, but gave him five anyway. He said, “dinner is delicious!” Then he went on to explain each component, “the pineapple is my favorite, I like shrimp…” His excitement and enthusiasm was quite possibly the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I better pick up my cooking game, I think we may have a food critic in the making.